Fear
by leopika-chan
Summary: Pakunoda's thoughts and feelings before she said farewell...


1 FEAR  
  
2  
  
3 By: Leopika-chan  
  
Frightened.  
  
I was frightened of what could happen to me. My mind was barred and disturbed; there were a lot of thoughts running down in my head, like they were having a debate. But I knew I already made the right choice.  
  
Yet why do I feel fear…a feeling I have never felt?  
  
My stilettos did a noisy clink across the wet pavement, the only sound heard in the dark alley. No one was there to see me tremble amidst my composed pace. No one was there to witness my self-torture. I felt hopeless, what am I supposed to do? These thoughts kept coming back, and it was driving me insane.  
  
It was a very quiet walk, peaceful and tranquil. Still, deep inside I was slowly burning into the flames of hell. I have never carried such a heavy burden…I could not carry it all by myself.  
  
I was alone.  
  
I was alone, and I had to face it. No one was here to help me with my decisions, rash they might be.  
  
I stopped to the sound of a soft meow. To my surprise I glanced down and saw a shivering little kitten at the edge of the alley, its large eyes staring at me.  
  
It was like I was staring at myself…those eyes that reflected mine. Woe and fear…also the same vague feeling of being on your own.  
  
I smiled. It was amusing to see myself in the poor creature's eyes…they would probably laugh if they knew what I was thinking.  
  
I approached it. It winced and made its hair stand on end, trying to look as fierce as possible. I went nearer and extended my arms.  
  
" Come here," I cooed.  
  
The cat seemed reluctant at first, but my arms seemed inviting; after a few minutes it jumped on my palms and snuggled closer to me.  
  
What a sight! Again, it was very rare to see me with a cat. A member of the most ruthless killers in probably the whole world…and I spared a kitten's life.  
  
Everyone deserves life, and I knew it by heart. Everyone…  
  
I felt a tear fall on my cheek, but I didn't like anyone to see me crying. I didn't want anyone to see me in pain. I knew they would not bear it…they were very good friends. I always thought they would be there for me and help ease the burden of my shoulders, but now I know I shouldn't have depended on them too much.  
  
I'm on my own now.  
  
And no one can help me.  
  
I stroked the kitten's fur as I continued to walk. My life was meaningless already…I needn't live anymore.  
  
And besides, people like me deserved death. I knew from the very start that I joined up with them, I would also have a fatal end which I vowed for. I knew that I would die soon, probably a cruel death, but at least I would not die in vain. My heart knew where was my place.  
  
I walked continuously in the long alleyway, the road that I knew so well. Maybe by a few minutes I would come and face what I had sought for…something not inept.  
  
I felt the cat stir in my arms. I looked down at it, and saw it looking somewhere at the far side of the lane. There were its friends and playmates, waiting to greet it. Some were large and old, while others were young little cats. A black cat that looked like their leader was gesturing it to join them. They looked welcoming.  
  
You should join up with them, My eyes did the talking as I gazed in the kitten's eyes. The cat finally understood what I told it and leaped off and trotted towards its' kind, before giving me one last glimpse.  
  
Then it hit me.  
  
I was really like the cat after all. I would always keep everything to myself, but I would still come to the hands of my friends. They would not always be there for me, but they would understand me and comfort me. They were always there, just waiting for me to come back.  
  
I just hope you all understand my final choice. It's the last hope we have left. Our group may not have encountered this kind of incident before, and I know it would never erase from our memories…I just hope you will all be strong…  
  
Without me.  
  
" Meow…" I smiled sadly at the kitten, and then walked away. The moon gave an eerie light as it shone on my path, leading to where I should go. Finally I was nearing our hideout.  
  
There were a few spider drawings doodled on the woodwork, just before the door to the entrance. This was my home, where I should be. People might think it's just a dump…but it is enveloped with secrecy, and it was a place where we all shared our thoughts and opinions, where we held our rendezvous.  
  
This is the place where I am going to say my last farewell.  
  
I felt myself wanting to cry all over again.  
  
For all of you…Machi, Shizuku, Coltopi, Shalnark, Ubogin, Nobunaga, Phinx, Bonorenolf, Feitan, Franklin…and last of all to you…my dancho, the person most important to me…  
  
I felt my tears cascading down, and I paused for a while to gather my emotions and thoughts together. Phinx would probably make a big fuss, and Shizuku might panic, so they shouldn't see me in so much grief.  
  
I may have lost, but I haven't lost you all. You're the only people I have left to cherish…  
  
My family…  
  
Please…no more deaths for any of you…  
  
All of a sudden great light shone before me, revealing my dancho when we first met.  
  
His eyes shone when he saw me nearing. " Paku!"  
  
I blinked. The light was gone, and I was left alone with my thoughts. He too, was gone in a flash, gone forever…  
  
I wiped away my tears of worry, also taking away my doubts, anxieties and fears. I have decided, and it was best for all of us. I took one step forward towards the entrance, my mind and heart set.  
  
For us.  
  
For the Genei Ryodan.  
  
THE END (of Pakunoda) Just kidding!  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
This is obviously Pakunoda's thoughts. It takes place in the Hunter X Hunter OAV before Pakunoda died. I was just staring at my computer screen (with a moving Kurapika gif as a wallpaper), bored and engaging into self- persecution until it hit me. Pakunoda's such a nice person; I can't believe people hate her because of her –eherm- nose and the way she dresses. Really people, that's very UNFAIR! She's such a touching person…at first I disliked her because of the very "exposed" style of hers, but now I feel like biting myself in guilt! She's cool! She's not my top favorite though, but she still rocks!  
  
Oh yeah, about the cats that the kitten saw? They represented the other Genei. (they were even REALLY shown in the OVA) The black cat was sorta like Kuroro. I know some parts are not the exact things that happened, I kinda changed it a little bit.  
  
Any suggestions? Violent reactions? Corrections? Comments? Flames? Please review it! You could e-mail me at sure_manure@hotmail.com (and its real, ok?)… I know it's just a few rambles from my twisted brain but I did have to "emote" (if you call it that) to think of this one…I know everything's just crap…^_~' 


End file.
